A Life in Pursuit of Joy

 I’ve always felt like I’ve had an excess of thoughts to get off my chest. I have to bring every point home. I don’t think I need people to agree with me, necessarily, but I need to be HEARD. 

At different moments in my life I’ve thought to myself “you should write more”. I’ve been told that journaling would help me process things. I’ve thought thoughts that felt important, thoughts that felt like if I could just figure out how to share them, I could really do some good. How better to share than by writing something down? Once written down, a thought can live forever. Given that I’m typing this on an iPhone, that sentiment seems a little cheapened, but hell. You get it, right? 

Lately we’ve been living through a pandemic. Life has changed in a lot of ways. For some reason it’s hard to say it, but I’ll say it: I’m depressed. I haven’t hugged my niece or nephew in 10 months. They are coming up on 4 and 2, respectively - their little bodies have grown and changed so much since I last hugged them! Their hair looks different! They can say more words. Their fine motor skills have probably improved drastically. Their personalities have grown and I yearn to be close to them. Alas, we are kept apart. My grandfather had a stroke this summer. He lost a lot of his short term memory and I think next time I am able to hug him safely he might have a really hard time remembering quite who I am. There are so many people in this world who nourish me, bring me peace, bring me comfort, and I cannot see them and I cannot hug them! 

I have rarely felt so drained. All of these changes, all of this LOSS leaves me so lonesome. Every day I ask myself: how I can continue pursuing my mission in life, continue to spread joy, in a time like this? It feels like all of my tools are failing me. It feels like I am failing. And yet. I keep thinking to myself “I know I’m not alone in this.”

In the past I wrote a ton of songs, and they felt so personal, so exposing. I kept writing because when I shared them, the people who listened told me they knew exactly how I felt. That my songs made THEM feel seen. Along my path there will be more songs, I know that. Lately I can’t seem to get down to a practice, and that keeps me from writing music. I miss that feeling of connectedness, the community that it inspired. 

I want to know how you are feeling right now. I want you to know that you are not alone. I want to fill my proverbial cup with your community, your energy, your thoughts, and your fears, and I want to be held by you, too. I am on a mission to build something good in the world, that brings good back to me. 

All this to say: welcome to my blog. Penelope Sings for Joy is a place for me to share my thoughts about a life in pursuit of joy, and to share my journey with other folks like myself who need a soothing shoulder sometimes. I’m here, I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m anxious, I’m kind, I’m trying my best. Thanks for joining me ✨ 💕 🌞